back to the beginning

so i think ive deemed myself officially confused. im not sure as to what im doing with myself right now. i feel like i need this certain something, but im timid as to reach for it. ive wanted it for a while and i just dont think ive ever been able to figure out how to go about it. and i still dont think i know how. im not the type of person to go about things without planning completely and not know what im doing. i hardly ever feel stupid, but when it comes to this specific thing, ive never said anything because of the chance of sounding stupid. i dont think ive ever been so scared of someone judging me as much as this. but at the same time, even if things were to be said, i dont think anything would change. and i feel like weve missed so many chances.. or there just havent been good enough chances. which sucks. but even if there was i wouldnt know where to start. iono im confused. as always.. i just wish expressing myself was easier. ive always had a hard time doing things like this..

murphy's law

i find it extremely hard to believe that things seem to be going quite well at the moment. yet i find myself constantly thinking about the growing list of things that could go wrong that coincide with this growing list of things that are going good. and for some reason that is beyond me, i cant shake murphy's law. i mean, it is a law isn't it? my life seems to be the epitome of murphy's law. for all of you who know me up close and personal, you should be able to laugh at that and know exactly what i mean; then feel bad about laughing at my crappy luck. i'm thinking about getting a petition out to change it to jessika's law. anyway... back to the topic. nothing has gone wrong in a substantial amount of time and i'm not quite sure whether to sit back and enjoy it or prepare myself for what's ahead of me? i guess it all depends on if i look at my situation as my glass being half empty or half full. who knows. as i always say, i'm indecisive.

the art of chaos

in advance, id like to say im sorry because this entry is going to be a lot longer than anything ive posted and probably longer than anything i ever will post. i got into some pretty deep thought writing this. maybe cuz its 3am, who knows. but here it goes...

things change. nature changes, thats what nature is. ever since we got here, the total amount of entropy in the universe has only been able to increase. and chaos means change. lots and lots and lots of change.

people change too. or do they? im definitely not the same person i was a year ago, yet i am in essence no different than that naive little girl who loved the ocean and swing sets. parts of me have changed, parts of me have not. am i still that little girl? perhaps, but perhaps not.

but i suppose im getting ahead of myself here. if ive changed, how have i changed? i loved the ocean, and i still do, even if ive realized im deathly afraid of actually going into the water. i no long have time for swing sets, so maybe im more of an adult; more responsible and productive. i hated oatmeal, and i still do. i still love french fries and fried chicken and chicken nuggets, although i can no longer live with myself if i ate those every day.

but to be honest, im digressing. my true question is whether my fundamental personality has changed, and thats a lot more difficult to answer. likes and dislikes change all the time, but those dont really matter. who i am and what ive become is far more than what i like or dislike. and what would even make up my fundamental personality? well, im an introvert, and no matter how far ive tried to stray, i think ive always been. im easily distracted, amused, or wow-ed by surreal, vague, metaphysical-seeming things, and i always have been. and i still ponder upon the meaning of life and the reason for the existence of the universe more often than i should.

so in conclusion, i guess my fundamental personality hasnt changed in any significant way. i may have gained a little bit more control over parts of my personality, but my tendencies in doing things are still roughly the same. sure, my taste has evolved, and ive probably gained about half a million experience points thur far, but thats an integral part of life. so does this mean were all born into our personalities?

wait a minute... so that means i havent changed significantly and probably am not going to? i dont know whether thats uplifting or depressing. i guess my indecisive nature hasnt changed either. hmm.


- oh and on a side note... im going to try and post a picture with each entry i post, just so ya know. k im done.

define... happiness

i recently started talking to someone again who i used to be closer to than anyone else and they asked me if i was happy. because this person means a lot to me, i wasn't just going to say yes like i would to anyone else, so i really thought about it. am i really happy with my life right now? and i couldn't really find the right word to use. i ended up using "content". the definition of content is " desiring no more than what one has; satisfied." well obviously i'm not satisfied with life right now or else i would be happy, wouldn't i? i guess the more proper thing to say would have been to say that i'm "getting by". plenty of things haven't worked out the way i've wanted them to and i've just "gotten by". life right now is NOT how i would have wanted it to work out, and it's definitely not everything i want either. it really goes to show that material items don't mean you're happy. i have way more right now than i did this time last year, yet i look back to this time last year and i remember truly being happy. regardless of the situation i was in, i was genuinely happy. and i'm not now. i've taken steps back in life and seeing that is really upsetting to me. and i can't take the steps necessary to move forward because i don't know what i need to get there. nor can i even think of a word to describe how i am with life. i'll admit... as of now i'm lost.

home is where the heart is

i miss home. a lot. i've been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with myself. i have thee biggest urge to transfer back home but at the same time i'm not entirely sure if it'll be the best thing for me. socal really IS my only home, and it just doesn't feel right being so far away from there. i don't think anywhere will be even remotely similar. i really just need to sit down and sort out of priorities. make a pros and cons list. although i love my school, i can't shake the feeling of feeling like i don't belong. i don't belong anywhere near here. and i need to decide if i can push through the next 3 years and hope things will change... or give up, pick another school, and move back home. i'm probably one of thee most indecisive people i know...

a hard look at college life

i've recently come to the realization that college life, although eventful as well as helpful, kind of sucks. i never have money for anything. and as soon as i get a few spare dollars in my pocket some other thing that i need for school or everyday life comes up and there goes my spending money. i've grown up without money, so trust me, i'm well aware of what it feels like to be poor. but with student loans, fafsa, and family members all pitching in(thankfully) for my education, you would think that i would have some cash for indulgences. i've also noticed that this lack of capital has really put a damper on my college experience. there are so many things i would like to do, some many places i'd like to go, and so many experiences i have yet to experience, yet no way to achieve any of this happiness and bliss. but as always, my eyes are bigger than my wallet... in this case.